I have read somewhere, that people you love or trust the most, can and eventually will hurt you the most.

I have never thought I will once agree with that. When a good friend, should I say one of the best, does something, you never dreamed of, what do you do? Is there a special guide 101 ways how to react when your best friend hurts you? I do not think so.

The first thought is something along: No way!!! But after a fragment of a second all that was on my mind was Why? Not when, not how long, not who knew... But WHY???

The next step in the process of course was to get furious...I wanted to scream, smash something really hard... Not that it would help of course...I wanted to do it, only to have control over something again.

After a while I settled down, after all everyone does, only the time period is different.

She came, I asked: Did you really....? And she answered: No. In this moment I knew. I wasn't sure she did it, but it was 100% clear to me she could. That she would be able. One look to her eyes was enough. Enough for me to find out what I needed to know.

It left me exposed, hurt and insecure. I had so many doubts, I needed to clear. Maybe I made a mistake... Maybe if I behaved differently... Maybe if I said something else... Maybe...

And maybe not. I know I had every right to do, what I did and say, what I said. But even this fact doesn't change the feeling I have when I think of the time we spent together, places we went, nights we talked. I feel like crying... And after a while I realize, I am. Crying I mean.

I still talk about her as a friend of mine. I still consider her a friend. Perhaps I will be able to trust her again. I am sure as hell I will try.

Only there is still the question hidden somewhere in my mind.

WHY?

I still don't have the answer. I doubt I ever will...